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Thai Tomboys Dating Hot Thai Girls – What’s The Deal?

You'd be forgiven for thinking that a Thai Tom was the Thai equivalent of the Tom Boy; a girl who is a bit boyish – short hair, plays footy with the lads and doesn't shave her legs.

You'd also be forgiven for thinking that the Thai Tom personifies the Western “butch lesbian” stereotype. In fact, it's all a little confusing…

thai tom boy

Looks like a man, right?

A Thai Tom is generally considered more man than just a woman with boyish tendencies. She is not considered a lesbian either, even though she makes love to other women. Confused? Stay with me; it gets a little stranger.

The (usually) very feminine girls they get into relationships with – the ones you see them holding hands with, carrying the handbags of and acting out the manly role – are not considered lesbians. Huh? A woman dating a woman surely makes the couple gay, right? Nope. The “woman” in the relationship is simply considered to “be dating a Tom.”

It's quite a trend here in Bangkok, and dare I say it's almost fashionable. Preppy style Toms with boobs strapped down tightly into non-existence by sports-bras can regularly be seen strutting the malls with the most elegant, beautiful Thai women.

It is commonplace these days for a woman who has become disillusioned with the male race (and I say this expecting a feminist backlash) and their chauvinistic antics to turn her attention to a Tom, who, by all accounts, looks like a boy, dresses like a boy, acts like a boy, and has the distinct advantage of understanding women better than any man – because he/she is in fact a woman.

Don't get me wrong here; I'm not Tom bashing. Whoever people want to get down with is their business. It's all good.

But I'd never had a Thai Tom as a friend before until just recently. My friend had just opened a new shop, for which I was lending a hand in preparing,  and he (the Tom), who worked next door, was on hand to help me with all things DIY: electrics, furniture assembly, etc.

He/she was by all accounts a very nice chap, with a gorgeous girlfriend, I might add. We hung out a bit; me drinking coffee and him having a cigarette, and we still speak on occasion when I pass by the shop.

I initially presumed his girlfriend was gay, or at least bisexual. But no, she'd had boyfriends previously and wouldn't consider dating a “girl”, she explained to my friend. I was baffled, and I won't go into the details of the things that ran through my mind regarding bits n' bobs n' preferences.

I can also tell you that the relationship has since broken up, and the girl who was dating the Tom is now dating a guy. The Tom has found a new girlfriend. And guess what? The new girlfriend is a stunning looking woman who was previously in a relationship with a guy.

All's well that ends well.

Lalana Jeab Kongtoranin

Famous Thai Tom Lalana Jeab Kongtoranin: How she looks now (right). How she used to look (left).

But Are Thai Toms For Keeps?

Apparently not. I've been informed by a couple of female Thai friends that the Toms usually end up being left high and dry (no pun intended), going from one relationship to the next; only until the girlfriend's family realise there's more to it than holding hands and cinema trips. “Errr, no. Fun's over. You will be marrying a man.”

So does that mean the majority of the Thai women dating Toms are actually lesbians but ultimately succumb to cultural pressure? Perhaps. But then the majority of Tom-lady couples you see appear very comfortable showing public displays of affection, which would suggest broad cultural acceptance, and that the woman isn't worried about “others” finding out.

Anyway.  It's an interesting subject; almost as interesting as the ladyboy phenomena us “foreigners” seem so obsessed with. And it's part of the allure of Thailand – a corner of the world where some things just aren't set in stone, and can't be put into boxes no matter how much our Euro-centric minds demand it.

Puwarin Zee Keenan

Pop singer Puwarin “Zee” Keenan, once stabbed when she didn’t return another girl’s unrequited love.

Thai Toms – In A Nutshell

So, let's clear this up for now, at least until someone tells me I've got it all wrong. Toms aren't necessarily lesbians because they pretty much believe they are men, and the women they date kinda think the same – that's why they're Toms. And if a woman goes with a Tom, it doesn't necessarily mean she's a lesbian or bi-sexual, either.

On the other side of the fence, so to speak, ladyboys aren't quite men, and aren't quite women, either, that's why they're ladyboys and, depending on which Thai person you speak with, if a man goes with a ladyboy, it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. Confused? Don't be. It's all fairly simple, really.

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  5. natalie punyarit says

    Anyway I ended up leaving Thajland and my Husband and the Tom boy left my Husband went off with 1 of his friends, it turns out she has a habit of trying to spilt up couples, my husband did ask me to return but I have not more fool him.
    Reply

  9. Jomo says

    I am a Butch in Australia, I'd like to get to know Thai Toms and Dees especially couples. Is there a Tom-Dee group on facebook? Sounds like Butch-Femme and Tom Dee dynamic is very similar. Love to chat with you.
    Reply

  12. Anon says

    OMG that explains a lot. I remember a few years back i had a crush on a cute thai "boy" in my class. And I didn't realize he was actually a she until the end of the year. I was in shock and disbelief she look just like a boy with boyish short hair, masculine clothes, not any curves from I could see, a deep voice etc
    I was like was she a tomboy, butch lesbian or trans boy? and what did that make me? Now reading this article years later it all makes sense now!
    Reply

  14. dw says

    I think toms are beautiful just like many other people and it's not a phase or a fashion trend, for some it may just be a stepping stone to being comfortable with their true identity just as many people try out different labels and pronouns. For all you tom bashers just know the chance between you and a tom getting a partner is infinity to none (tom getting the girl not you). Lets face it toms are sexy, know all the right spots for female genetalia, understand women and are overall better people as they aren't bashing anyone but embracing them.
    Reply

  16. Randy says

    Is it just me, or would it be easiest to just look at this the same way we look at transgender folk in the US and UK? Toms are simply people who were born with a female body, but don't really identify with being a girl. They feel more comfortable living as men. So, they try to make their outward appearance as male as possible, they date women, they do guy stuff. It seems that if they want to me seen as men, maybe we should just treat them like men.

    In case this needs to be said, someone's biological sex and their gender are two different things. Biological sex is your physical anatomy, but gender is social and what pronouns you prefer and use. If someone refers to themselves as he, then for all social purposes, he's a guy. Unless you are having sex with that person, what falls in between their legs is really none of your business.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      I absolutely agree, Randy. Though it seems there is a lot more switching back and forth in the Tom community when compared with the transgender and gay communities, in that many everyday girls are switching to being a Tom for a while, and then switching back and dating guys again later down the line, so perhaps many are bisexual - or is there a "fad" aspect (in some cases) to this as many suggest. The reverse is true too, in that everyday girls suddenly switch from dating guys to dating a Tom for a while, but at the same time do not consider themselves bisexual or gay. It's interesting, but as you correctly say, what people do in the bedroom is up to them.
      Reply

    • Brad says

      ...and yet toms don't use the mens bathroom, like a real man does. Incidently, ladyboys do use the womens bathroom like a lady.

      Toms think they are men. Most toms hate men...therefore toms hate themselves/their identity?
      Reply

    • Nathe says

      Transgender men are different from toms...
      Well as we all know...
      Transgender men/women are men/women but were born in the wrong body... They do HRT & surgeries so they can live a life with their comfortable bodies...
      While....
      Toms (tomboys, dykes, lesbians)
      Well different...
      Some dress masculine (toms, tomboys, dykes, masculine lesbians) some dress feminine (femme, feminine lesbians)...
      At the end of the day...
      They accept & identify themselves as women/girls...
      They also accept their bodies...
      Reply

  18. FromBangkok says

    Let me put in some facts here; I'm a Thai girl and there are a couple of Toms in my family, they are my aunts (technically) and older than forty. They live with their longtime girlfriends for more than a decade now. No they didn't get married, they just live together and everybody knows and accepts it.

    So it's not a fad, though part of it is because we have a lot of all-girls and all-boys schools in Bangkok especially. If you ask most of the girls who went to an all-girls school, they'd say they have had relationship with Toms before. It's teen fashion and even more acceptable when they're teenagers because parents know they're just having fun and it's better than they go out with boys and get pregnant (though they might prefer they don't do it at all). But after graduated, some (well, a lot) never grows out of it and stays true.

    I also used to date both Toms and boys.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      I've seen quite a few old Toms out and about. They tend to have let themselves go a tad though; overweight (possibly from taken hormones) and without the angelic, albeit boyish, look the younger Toms have.

      There's a fair few famous Toms too - Google these names:

      Diyar Donavanik (aka Gunmila Whitesmith)
      Lalana “Jeab” Kongtoranin (pictured above)
      Puwarin “Zee” Keenan (pictured above)
      Supanat “Tina” Jintaleela
      Saruda “Babymild” Kiatwarawut
      Patcharee “Som” Anantaweerach

      In fact, the more you dig around, this isn't really a new "fashion". Toms have always been around but it hasn't always been accepted like it is now. Bangkok, being the thriving "anything goes" city that it is has really paved the way for Toms to express themselves openly in their relationships. That said, it does seem that more and more single Thai women, fed up with useless, cheating men, are turning to relationships with Toms.
      Reply

      • Kuku says

        I'm an African American but in the USA I would be called a stud or a stem and in Thailand a ( ladyboy or tom ) wonder how would the dees or toms and ladyboys feel about dating a black woman . Have u ever did a interview and asked around if not u think u could do so ?Well not a ladyboy lol sorry about that been up researching about this stuff since 2 and it’s 4 already but I meant then other women who are not classified as toms they still have some feminine to them but they do act like guys also . But would it be bashed also to mess with a black tom
        Reply

  21. Jamie says

    Well I am a farang Tom and let me tell the idiot who says he hates toms; I walk in a club and can get any girl I want without paying for it and when it comes to the guys, well I always look better than all of them, especially the young and so called fit ones by Western standards and it's not because the girls I go with like Thai toms, as most 90 percent of them have never been with a tom before, it's because I look very young and people say I look like Leo Dicaprio when he was very young and Justin Bieber which Thai women of ages prefer to a meat head with a big dick. It's not what u have between your legs, it's your look and what u can do with what you have. I certainly won't be left high and dry like u!
    Reply

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