The dilemma of whether to give or lend money to a Thai girlfriend is one that most people with a strong connection to Thailand face at some point.
It's a topic that frequently comes up on forums and YouTube.
Some people take a hardline stance—never give them a penny! Others adopt a more moderate approach with specific boundaries. And some find themselves giving away more money than they ever imagined.
In this post, I want to walk through this topic and share my opinion on the best way to handle the delicate issue of money and Thai girlfriends, and indeed their extended family, who are often behind some of the demands for cash.
Image courtesy of Vin Stratton.
The Evolution of an Industry: Not a Cultural Norm
For the record, the idea of giving a Thai girlfriend a monthly salary is not rooted in traditional Thai culture. Instead, it is an industry that has evolved over time, particularly in connection with the bar scene in tourist-heavy areas.
In these settings, financial arrangements between foreign men and Thai women often become transactional, with the man providing financial support in exchange for companionship. This practice has, unfortunately, broadened beyond the bar scene and has become an expected norm among many Thai women dating foreign nationals.
This expectation, however, should not be mistaken for a cultural requirement. In traditional Thai relationships, financial support from a partner is not an obligation, and many Thai women do not expect or desire this kind of arrangement.
The emergence of this practice is more a reflection of economic realities and the influence of the tourism industry rather than a deeply ingrained cultural tradition.
Financially Supporting Your Thai Girlfriend
The average wage in Thailand is around 15,000 Baht per month ($480), and most people you encounter in shops, restaurants, and hotels likely earn less than 10,000 Baht per month (1).
As such, many people struggle to pay their bills and send money home to their parents, who often do not have a pension plan or much of an income.
Additionally, some women have children from a previous marriage. The grandparents often take care of the children in the rural family home while the daughter works in a city to earn money to send home. I've written about this in my Cultural Burden article.
In a nutshell, money is in short supply for many people.
Such struggle stories can quickly lead foreign men into the trap of financially supporting their partner soon after becoming romantically involved.
“Farang” to the Rescue!
As a foreign national, it is very likely that your income is far higher than that of your partner.
So if your partner has trouble paying their bills or helping their parents pay their bills, you become the obvious person to ask for help.
Indeed, there are some women, and some men (of course), who aspire to find a foreign partner because they assume, or have heard, that other Thais with foreign partners receive a monthly stipend to support their lifestyle.
That said, not all women expect or ask for this help.
It is common that very early on in the relationship, the foreign partner offers to provide some financial support on an ongoing basis—because they feel sorry for their partner not having much to live on.
When considering this, I urge people to ask themselves whether this is something they would do in their home country.
Would you start dating someone and then, after just a few weeks, begin giving them monthly financial support?
In some cases, I think the answer is yes, particularly if it is one of those sugar daddy-type relationships or mistress-type relationships:
I'm thinking of those dating sites where women from all walks of life are keen to date an older gentleman with heavy pockets. Or a busy, rich businessman who keeps a woman on the side, and to keep her hanging around, makes sure that she doesn’t want for anything in life.
These relationships work for some people at different stages of life. I'm not here to judge anyone's relationship, though, but rather to offer an opinion and some advice.
To pose a counterpoint: It's also worth noting that in the West, men end up spending a lot of money dating women in the initial months: expensive restaurants, flowers, weekends away, etc. It's pretty cheap to live in Thailand, so one might argue that the money is better given to the girlfriend to pay the bills than wasted on romantic extravagance.
The Possibility of Multiple Financial Donors
If you fall quickly into supporting a Thai partner financially, you may not realize it at the time but there may have been some manipulation at play – a pulling at the heart strings, so to speak.
Indeed, a harsh reality that must be considered is the possibility that you are not the only financial donor in your partner’s life.
In situations where financial support is expected, some women may seek to maximize their income by receiving money from multiple sources. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and hurt if discovered, as the relationship may not be as exclusive or genuine as you initially believed.
The Problem with Financial Dependency
Starting a relationship on a transactional basis—where money is exchanged for affection or companionship—sets a dangerous precedent.
It raises serious questions about the authenticity of the relationship. When money becomes a central component, it can be challenging to discern whether the affection and care you receive are genuine or simply a means to secure financial support. This uncertainty can lead to a lack of trust and emotional insecurity, undermining the foundation of the relationship.
Moreover, when a relationship begins with financial dependency, it creates an imbalance of power. The person providing the money holds significant control, which can lead to feelings of resentment and exploitation on both sides.
If you regularly give someone money, they may adjust their lifestyle in accordance with their income. Rather than being frugal and saving, the person may begin to spend on things they previously couldn't afford. They may even take on more monthly bills, such as a better telephone contract, subscription TV services, or cosmetic surgery.
Of course, these additional expenses cannot be sustained without the donor.
Partner or Cash Cow?
As a general rule of thumb, the first three months (at least) of a relationship should be fun and romantic: two independent people living their lives and coming together at the end of the day to share their experiences and intimacy. Having someone quickly become financially dependent on you can kill the romance and mystery of the honeymoon period. It can lead to the expectation that you will cover any financial issues that arise.
Your new partner may also get the wrong impression about your level of wealth. If you are quick to give someone money, they might assume that you are very wealthy, especially in a country where people are generally reluctant to lend or give money. This reluctance is not necessarily due to meanness but because many people live close to the breadline and know there is no state support when they run out of money.
Another aspect to consider is that you might start questioning whether this person sees you as a wonderful potential life partner or merely as a cash cow.
As the relationship progresses and you move in together or get married, one of you may work while the other looks after the children or the home. In this case, the person earning the most money will be fully or partially supporting the other person. This is a natural progression but not an ideal scenario right from the beginning of a relationship. It’s something you grow into as you plan the rest of your lives together.
Handling the “Farang Financial Support” Issue
So, how do you handle a situation where your new partner needs financial help?
It may be the case that your partner is not explicitly asking for your help, but you are aware that they are in difficulty and unable to pay their rent.
The first option would be to offer to lend them the money. However, this comes with the old saying: “Never lend what you can't afford to lose.”
You could stipulate that your partner repay a small amount each month from their salary. Even if you don’t actually expect the money back, this can serve as a good test of their commitment to an agreement and how much they respect you.
Alternatively, you could give the money with the understanding that you won’t be providing financial support again in the foreseeable future.
If you are not wealthy, it is important to make it clear that while you have enough money to live comfortably, you do not have funds to distribute freely.
Offer the money as a gesture of goodwill, and consider helping your partner re-evaluate their spending habits and possibly their career choice to explore opportunities for saving money or increasing their income.
Family Members with Their Hands Out
Lending or giving money to a girlfriend in Thailand can turn into a slippery slope.
As the relationship progresses, requests for money are likely to increase. This is partly due to the cultural expectation that women provide for their families, leading to requests that extend beyond your partner's personal needs.
If your girlfriend becomes dependent on you for money, those previously dependent on her may also become indirectly dependent on you. They may not directly ask you for money, but if they have a problem and ask your girlfriend for help, they will know she has the option to ask you.
You may find yourself being asked to contribute to the needs of her family, including parents, siblings, and even extended relatives. While helping out in times of need is commendable, it can become overwhelming if the financial demands are constant and unrelenting.
She may ask to borrow money in good faith, but the likelihood of getting your money back from someone already dependent on you is very small.
Many foreigners end up marrying into families and becoming the proverbial ATM.
If you have deep pockets, it might initially seem nice to help out so many people who are having a hard time. But you will eventually ask yourself whether it is you who matters or simply the money.
If they could replace the source of money with a younger, funnier version who likes to “buy the beer” a little more often, would they miss you?
It sounds harsh, but many people have fallen into these situations. I've heard from many over the years.
Earning Respect from Your Thai Family
On one hand, it’s somewhat true when people say you will never earn anyone's respect by becoming a walking ATM. However, I don’t think this is strictly true in all cases.
Foreigners who move to Thailand, build a huge mansion in “Nakhon Nowhere,” construct a home for their mother-in-law, and dispense money to brothers, sisters, cousins, and aunts whenever they can't pay their gambling debts or for their next bottle of whiskey, do receive a certain level of respect from a particular type of person.
Those family members will undoubtedly boast to others in the local village about how generous the son-in-law is: “He very good man.”
On the flip side, foreigners who marry local women but refuse to hand out money on request may be labeled as stingy and “not good man.”
However, this is a narrow-minded and ignorant view of the world. Who would want to be around people who only respect those with bulging pockets?
Free-thinking Thai individuals will advise you to insist that your extended Thai family work hard for their money and not rely on you for handouts, despite your wealth.
Just because you have more money in the bank than someone else, it doesn’t mean you should give or lend them money when they make poor decisions in life.
Helping Your Thai Family/Friends Out in Bad Times
Of course there will be times when you want to reach out and offer to help out.
And why shouldn't you?
This is your girlfriend/wife or extended family who may well have treated you very kindly over the years.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to offer that help when you know it is needed.
If you hear that someone has had a very unfortunate experience such as losing their job, or has had a bad accident and been incapacitated for a while, then offering some financial support that you can readily afford is a lovely gesture.
This is very different to being harassed for money, coaxed into lending money, or made to feel guilty for not giving someone money every month, etc.
So if your partner, friend or member of your extended family is struggling to make ends meet and you can afford to help out a little, this is at your discretion. It's just important that you people don't see you as a bottomless pit of cash.
Want to Help Out?
If you're back home and your girlfriend has a money problem and you want to help out, you can reduce the cost of sending that money by using a money transfer service.
The cheapest, fastest way to send money to Thailand is to use Wise.
That's not just my opinion; pretty much every TTL reader uses this service.
+ Get your first transfer free here
My Advice, for What It's Worth
1. Don't Flash Your Money Around
Even if you are well off, don't flash your money around by smothering your girlfriend with gifts, holidays, designer clothes, etc., and certainly don't start throwing cold, hard cash around early in your relationship.
If your girlfriend is wealthy and already lives a lifestyle like this, then it’s no problem. You'll be able to treat each other in the same way.
The reality is that acting like a “flash Harry” is likely to attract the wrong type of people into your life. If you're planning on building a life in Thailand with a great circle of friends and a loyal partner, you want people to like you for you, not the greenbacks.
Depending on your behavior and the boundaries you set from the start, there may be family members who put pressure on their daughter (or son) to ask you for money to help them out, knowing that you are wealthy in comparison to them.
2. Set Expectations & Boundaries with Extended Family
The same goes for extended family. If you are paying for everyone's dinner all the time, buying all the drinks, buying all the kids' clothes, and taking everyone on day trips right from the start, they will naturally assume that this is how the relationship is going to continue. They will rightly perceive that this is how you live and what you like to do for people. It will be quite difficult to backtrack from this. The expectation will already be there.
If you want to lend or give someone money once, then make it clear that you're doing it once and won't be doing it again—at least not in the foreseeable future. Make it clear that you have your own family.
Many of us have children. Many of us have our own parents who are retired and may rely on us for financial help. Many of us have siblings, and some of us may have ex-wives to whom we pay maintenance for caring for our children. These people in our lives must take priority over Somchai, who borrowed money from the bank using his land deed to fund a new pick-up truck but now can't pay the loan and has the bank threatening to take his land.
3. Avoid Financial Dependency
Moreover, don't encourage your partner to give up her job after just a couple of weeks or even months of knowing her. It might be tempting because you want to go off traveling and take her with you, but if you break up after a few months, she will be in a worse financial position than she was when she met you. The key is to not make her dependent on you too soon, as it could end badly for both of you.
4. Encourage Self-Sufficiency
It's unfortunate. There are a lot of people struggling in Thailand, and there's nothing wrong with being kind and helping out where you can. But as a good Thai friend of mine said to me recently: there is always work to be found in Thailand, and too many people are not sensible enough with money.
During this conversation, she actually gave me a very good example: She said that her brother-in-law had been made redundant during the pandemic. He quickly found a job driving for Food Panda. He makes on average 500-1,000 Baht a day. This is lower than his previous salary, but the point is he got whatever job he could because there was no one to turn to for money.
Once someone becomes dependent on you for money, they lose the initiative to go out and make money and be frugal because they know they have you to rely on and that you will always give in to their demands. Sometimes, it's very easy to feel sorry for people, but rather than give people handouts, we should try to enable them to support themselves better…that old “give a man a fishing rod” mantra.
Final Thoughts
To wrap this up, let me just say this: what's the point in moving to Thailand to gain more freedom and control over your life, or retiring to Thailand for a peaceful, stress-free lifestyle, and ending up involved with someone who is continually dependent on you for money?
While giving a Thai girlfriend a monthly salary may seem like a way to show care and support, it is fraught with potential pitfalls. It is not a cultural requirement but rather a practice that has evolved within the tourist and dating industries.
Beginning a relationship on a transactional basis can undermine trust and authenticity, leading to an imbalance of power and emotional insecurity. Encouraging financial independence is a healthier and more sustainable approach that encourages mutual respect and equality.
Genuine love and partnership are built on trust, respect, and mutual support, though we mustn't be naive in thinking that money doesn't play a significant role in many relationships the world over.
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What's your experience of Thai women and the expectation of financial support?