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Dilemmas of a Thirty Something in Thailand

Thailand is famed for gap year travellers and retirees, yet in recent years has become the home of a more people like me, the late twenties/early thirties guys (and gals) who've decided there is more to life than a desk job, saving for a pension and Saturday football.

Either that or things simply weren't working out the way the dream promised they would.

Thing is, unlike the retiree who is in the home stretch, able to sit pretty for the next 20 years with a decent pension and pot of money made on a property during the housing boom, many of us in this category are hanging in the balance.

Most retirees have kids, and grandkids for that matter. Most have had a long career, been married and round the block a fair few times. Thailand is the final destination.

For us in the middle stages, the second, but pretty darn important part of life is just beginning.

For the first year or two we have no intention of going home. The prospect of leaving behind the sun, fresh fruit and flip flops for rainy days and conversations about terrorism and immigrants is depressing.

The fact is, the longer you stay the more of a life you carve out for yourself: You have new friends, a girlfriend perhaps, relatively easy work, a routine, a more exciting, freer life with less financial responsibility and generally more for your money.

So, inevitably, the longer you live in Thailand the harder it becomes to go back home and settle in again.

But after a couple of years,  no matter how much you try to live in the present and enjoy the nomadic dream, there are questions that invade your mental space. You know, those questions that start to ask themselves without your permission; things like:

  • Am I neglecting my family back home?
  • Would Thailand be a good place to raise a family?
  • If I marry a Thai, how would he/she fair if we moved back to my home country?
  • Since my mum/dad aren't here to help out, would I feel comfortable employing a nanny for my kids?
  • Should I not be taking care of my aging parents?
  • What part of Thailand would I live in if I had to choose a permanent location?
  • Can I be bothered to deal with visa issues for the next 30 years?
  • Is my job secure, and what would I do if I was suddenly without work?
  • Am I limiting my earning potential by living here?
  • Is Thai culture something I can handle indefinitely?

There is always that nagging feeling of being in limbo. But then, is that not just life? Do we all not feel that same feeling and deal with similar questions wherever we are living?

So it's always an awkward moment when someone asks, “Are you going to stay out there for good?”

The way most people back home see it is you either are or you're not, and if you aren't, then when are you going to stop being silly and come back home!

But for most twenty/thirty somethings, the question isn't as black and white as that…

Can we not just live year-to-year, see how it goes, see what comes up and how we feel?

On one hand, yes, and why not? But on the other, no. because the way life is, no matter where you go, the aforementioned questions will follow you- unless of course you opt to become a complete nomad, fall in love with another nomad, and then move to Pai and go on visa overstay forever 🙂

For me, and others around my age, it's a massive decision to think about staying here permanently, especially when the entire point of moving here was to live day-to-day, to enjoy life without letting negative past experiences or fear of future circumstances dictate how you think and feel.

This simple life becomes somewhat complicated (as it was back home) when absent family, work, relationships, visas , buying a property, savings, etc, enter the thought trail.

However wonderful your life in Thailand,  it's natural to consider how your family feel back home; their expectations worries and fears.

For parents who thought this was just a year or two out for self-discovery, this Thailand adventure becomes a worry, particularly for mums or dads who live alone and have no other children to keep them occupied. No doubt they worry that their son/daughter is wasting their life, and may end up amounting to the archetypal barstool expat – broke and depressed.

Of course, it should be noted that not everyone has a family worth caring for or trying to make a mends with, which is no doubt why many people emigrate and make a new life abroad.

For those with a Thai partner, parents have to prepare for the circumstance of having grandkids that they will only see once a year, which must be pretty disappointing when you have waited your entire life to spend retirement with your grandkids.

Lastly, there are the annoying whispers and comments from neighbours and friends, who ignorantly believe Thailand is full of Western paedophiles and Thai prostitutes; “Why did his son go to live out there, it's full of weirdos!”

So are we being selfish and neglecting family, or is this our time to shine and do as we please – to take an alternative path that bucks the status quo?

Are we being shortsighted with regards to opportunities back home?

Are we taking the easy road? Is it all one big shun of “reality” – whatever that is?

After living here for so long, would we find going back home too difficult, would it feel like failure?

I have lost count of the number of Thai people who have said to me, “Why would you want to live here when you could live near your parents?”

It begs the questions: should we be thinking more in terms of family, like a Thai would?

Or should we not put unnecessary emotional stress on ourselves, and instead enjoy the ride – sit back and wait for the  right door to open at the right time, and walk through it when it does.

After all, that's what brought us here in the first place.

Food for thought, huh?

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  1. could you email me with new blogs. Very interesting.My son married a Thai lady and I have 2 half Thai granddaughters and they hope to save enough to go back to Thailand in ten years,they already have a house on her family land. Cheers
    Nev May

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  2. If you work online and really get the same income that you would working in another place then why say this: “Am I limiting my earning potential being here?” Are you just adding it for other people?

    One you didn’t list was health care. While walking into a hospital or dentist here is great, much easier than in the UK, suppose you had a serious accident here (10 times as likely as in the UK on the roads). What kind of ambulance service and traffic have they got in Bangkok? You’re much more likely to die waiting for help to arrive or to get to hospital.

    “Is Thai culture something I can handle indefinitely?”, I do miss great conversation, too, even if to just speak about books or an article I read…. Thailand can be a little mind-numbing, and therefore I wonder if it is a good place to raise kids. I also miss the arts…”

    Me too (although you get conversation online!) Some of the cultural values, while you can accept them on the outside for years, really clash with our own. If you stayed in Thailand long enough without taking those trips back home and then go back to the UK, I think you’d start to cherish the UK a lot more and actually start to like the UK better. Those 3 months back every year keeps you liking Thailand more than you otherwise would.

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    • Bibblies, I am just highlighting the range of questions that I believe go through most people’s heads, but in truth, I have lost work by staying in Thailand. Not lots, but some. One client in particular went missing the moment I said I lived in Thailand; up until that point we had a good working relationship. As you know, the stereotyping of western men living in Thailand isn’t exactly positive.

      I hear your point about safety, ambulance response time, etc. My life is probably at higher risk in Thailand.

      You might well be right about the UK, but then there are some things I very much dislike about the UK. However, those trips back home are needed at times 🙂

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  3. I think it depends on what your life was like back home and how much money you are earning out here.

    If back home you were earning well but spending a lot you probably weren’t saving for a rainy day and weren’t really securing your future. I know that applies to me. So even though it appeared you were heading in the right direction (a job, living in your home country, earning money etc) you might not of been.

    Now if in Thailand you are doing well for yourself financially (to Western standards) then living out here does not have to be a reckless or foolish decision. If you are saving money out here you could use it to buy a buy-to-let property back home or shares or whatever will earn you money for the future.

    As for family, back home even though I lived fairly close I wouldn’t spend that much time with my parents. Now I’m out here they can come to visit for a few weeks at a time and that probably ads up to more than before when I lived back home.

    Like most things in life I guess it comes down to money. If you’ve got it life is easy and if you don’t it can be hard! Can you find a way to make decent money in Thailand to secure your future here or back home and also keep unspoken family commitments.

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    • Joe, I work online, so whether here or at home, it makes no odds to me. It is the family issues I guess that are the main focus. I think there is also the cost of opportunity to consider; i.e. am I missing out on fulfilling my potential in certain areas of my life. I do miss great conversation, too, even if to just speak about books or an article I read….Thailand can be a little mind-numbing, and therefore I wonder if it is a good place to raise kids. I also miss the arts. Of course there is plenty I don’t miss….I am off home for 3 months next month; I always go home at Christmas. As for the future, who knows…:)

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  4. Just wanted to say I stumbled upon your blog and enjoy reading it very much. Quick question for you since Im debating moving there indefinitely. What kind of job prospect is there in Thailand? Could I teach English there? and if so, is the pay enough to cover rent and food? What do most farang do for a living there? I have some savings and could buy a place but thinking about living there for a year or two and see what happens since Im getting really disenchanted with living the American nightmare due to an economic slump here at home and a job that truly sucks! thanks in advance!

    Reply

    • Hi and welcome 🙂

      I think the hard and fast rule to Thailand is don’t rush in; to commitment, women, work, etc, certainly don’t rush into buying, live here for a good while before thinking about that. I don’t fancy the condo property market here myself anyway, read my post on that here https://thethailandlife.com/buying-a-condo-in-thailand besides rent is cheap and you can get something great for under $250. Maybe think about buying in the US now property is cheaper, you could then rent it out and the profit would pay for your accommodation in Thailand.

      Work wise you can certainly teach. If you have a teaching degree you could get a good salary in an international school. With a degree and/or Tefl qualification you will land a job of around 30-35,000 baht a month in Bangkok, so i am told. This is enough to live on but not enough to save, in my opinion. If your rent is under 10,000 baht then you will be okay on that. But then treats like holidays would have to be curbed somewhat. Alcohol is what tends to zap a lot of people’s money. I am not a big drinker so I save on that. Many foreigners teach here, many work for international firms; there are IT guys, people working online…all sorts. It really is quite diverse.

      Thailand is a great place to live but it isn’t for every one. There are huge cultural differences and a holiday is entirely different to living here, as I am sure you are aware. But hell, why not, if things are getting your back up at home then break out here for 6-1 year and do some teaching. Whether you love it or hate it, end up staying or leave after the duration, it will certainly be the experience of a life time in many ways.

      Hopefully some other people will pitch in with some advice.

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      • Hi I lived and worked in Bkk for 4 years. I did all sorts of work, Teaching I.T you name it. After that time it I asked myself most of the questions you have posted here.

        It was a combination of missing family and friends and aging parents. For me the situation was however a bit different. My father was a retired engineer for Thai airways who lived in Thailand for around 20 years and my mother back home in the U.K who has also lived in the far east in the past.

        Upon my return to the U.K I resumed my old career as a self design engineer so I was lucky as I could afford to have a comfortable lifestyle. Without my background I would have been condemned to a life of minimum wage, and probably would not of come back.

        My advise is that Thialand is a young mans place and I would not want to be living her with falling health and a failing wallet no way! not from my own experiences I have had first account with but this is obviously down to personal preference…..

        Since leaving in 2006 I have been back to Thailand every year for 3 weeks at a time without fail. It suits me to do this and I now live with my Thai partner in England whom I met in the U.K

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        • Thanks for sharing your story Jason. I have to agree, I see Thailand as more of a place to enjoy while I am young rather than somewhere to retire, but then most do it the other way around. i guess either way, if you have a good salary coming in it doesn’t matter how old you are because you can afford the best. If I left I would dearly miss the country and like you come back for regular holidays where possible. I guess for anyone living away from their homeland, questions of “should I stay or should I go” will naturally surface from time to time. It’s great that you met a Thai woman in the UK, that way you still have a part of Thailand always close to your heart. Best of luck!

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  5. Different stroke for different guys….I guess. Everybody has different priorites sometimes too much of a good life makes you numb having different thoughts at different time and whatever the thoughts or mood takes you…you act on it probably is the best choice…don’t just tight yourself down for good or too long at one particular place.
    Humans are suppose to be free ……..free to roam…to choose…etc.

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  6. Amen! to your last statement. The questions come naturally and I suspect if we stayed in our jobs and with our parents we’d be asking different, but equally urgent ones. I was asking myself the same questions last weekend (for the 1000th time). I’m particularly concerned about my possible shirking of parental responsibilities.

    I don’t have all the answers yet but the great thing about all this is that we’ve taken the time and space to consider these questions (…and Bangkok taxi drivers…and soi dogs…and lady men…)

    Like you, I’ve decided I will trust myself to recognize the right answers and take the appropriate actions, just as I trusted myself to leave home and move here in the first place. I certainly don’t regret that decision.

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  7. Your most thought provoking article yet. These are questions that we all struggle to answer but, the younger you are, the more difficult it is to make the right choices.

    In life, if you delay making choices, then the choices are inevitably made for you and, as youth turns to middle age, the once limitless opportunities are progressively replaced by closed doors. In this unforgiving world, every wasted year counts.

    Thailand offers very few opportunities for a farang to become truly successful. It is the perfect place to spend a gap year (or two) and a good retirement destination for the single man but, for those in their productive years, to end up here is like being lured onto the rocks by Sirens.

    Who in their right mind would want to become part of that endless cavalcade of bluffers, criminals and losers living with a prostitute and her child in a depressing bedsit?

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  8. Finally an introspective piece that does not deal with your normal repertoire of material and ideas. These are some of the questions of life, especially for expats. The way we frame these questions, and the assumptions we base them on, often says as much about us as the answers we come up with.

    I fear you will find your answers transient at best, as you pass through different phases of your life. Each step you take presents a different vantage onto the world around you and possible paths to follow. Perhaps you will find a way to balance your own needs with the expectations of others and perhaps you won’t. Not knowing makes life interesting for some, while paralyzing others.

    Chances are you will survive your youth and your angst about life’s little questions. For now just enjoy the ride as you build a better base upon which to make decisions and build a life.

    Reply

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