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Cultural Burden: A Thai Woman’s Endless Debt to Her Parents

In Thai culture, the expectation for children, particularly daughters, to support their parents is deeply ingrained, especially among the working classes. This duty stems from a long-held belief that children owe their parents an unpayable debt for giving them life and providing for them during their formative years.

This cultural norm creates an immense sense of obligation and guilt, as daughters strive to fulfill their perceived daughterly duties amidst societal pressures and financial realities.

thai woman parents burden

Cultural Expectations

For many women, the cultural expectation to care for one's parents is an inescapable duty. From a young age, daughters are reminded that they owe their parents for the sacrifices made on their behalf. This sense of obligation is very strong among rural communities, perpetuated by societal norms and reinforced by constant reminders from family and community members.

It is very difficult for a Thai woman to say no to her parents because of the cultural belief that parents are always right, and that one should not argue back, call out their moral standards, or suggest that they are not good parents. There is an ingrained respect for authority, even more so when it comes to parents.

The burden is magnified by the gossip and judgment from neighbors, friends, and extended family. A daughter who is perceived as not doing enough for her parents is often labeled as ungrateful or irresponsible, intensifying her feelings of guilt and inadequacy. The pressure to meet these expectations can be emotionally and psychologically taxing, as daughters strive to prove their worth and devotion.

The Reality of Financial Responsibility

The financial burden on Thai daughters is compounded by the lack of a robust pension system in Thailand. Most parents do not have pension plans, and the government's provision for the elderly is minimal (600-1,000 Baht monthly, depending on age). The World Bank has noted that this government stipend for elderly citizens is staggeringly low, with the monthly amounts barely covering basic living expenses.

Many parents, particularly those in rural areas, end up raising their daughter's children due to various circumstances. This arrangement necessitates that the daughter goes out to work to cover the additional costs involved. The grandparents' ability to work is further limited by their caregiving responsibilities, adding to the financial strain.

In numerous cases, the child's father is absent, often due to teenage pregnancies or marriages that quickly dissolved. Unlike in Western countries, Thailand does not aggressively pursue child support from absent fathers, leaving the mother and her family to bear the financial burden alone.

Shifting the Burden: The Dynamics of a Foreign Partner

When a Thai woman marries a foreign partner, the expectations and pressures can shift but rarely diminish. Many uneducated parents view foreign partners as inherently wealthy or at least significantly better off than the average Thai. As a result, if the daughter cannot provide adequately, it is assumed that the foreign partner should fill the gap.

Culturally, a daughter's support for her parents should end when she marries; the Sin Sod plays a significant role in this transition. Indeed, the ideal situation would be that she is cared for by her new husband. If she has a child, the child will also be financially supported by her new husband; though the couple may choose to remunerate the grandparents for childcare duties.

However, in practice, the transition is not a smooth one and the burden is seldom lifted. Often, as the daughter's lifestyle improves due to her foreign partner's financial support, her parents' expectations also rise. They anticipate a better lifestyle and increased financial assistance, perpetuating the cycle of obligation.

Additionally, some parents employ guilt tactics to ensure continued support, causing the daughter emotional strain and tension in her relationship. This emotional manipulation can deepen the sense of duty and guilt, further entrenching the daughter in her role as the primary provider.

Supporting Habits, Self-Indulgence & Social Status

Despite a Thai woman’s consistent financial support to her struggling parents each month, the money is sometimes misused, creating additional financial strain. In some cases, the funds may be spent unwisely, supporting habits such as drinking or gambling, or wasted on frivolous purchases intended to impress neighbors and enhance family status in the community.

This pursuit of social status and appearance, driven by cultural pressures, often results in the money being spent on indulgent, non-essential items. Consequently, the initial financial support does not alleviate the financial burden but rather exacerbates it, leading to a cycle where more money is needed going forward.

This misuse of funds becomes a significant source of worry and frustration for the daughter, as she struggles to balance her financial obligations while witnessing her support inadvertently contributing to her family’s ongoing financial instability.

Money Problems: A Gateway to Sex Work

Many of the single women struggling to support their parents in Thailand are uneducated and therefore have limited work options. Typically, they can only find low-paid agricultural work, factory jobs, or shop positions.

Some women, with an entrepreneurial streak, may start a small business, usually as a food vendor or market stall seller. However, starting such a business requires an initial investment that many do not have. This kind of work is also subject to high competition, fluctuating rents, associated business costs, and seasonal trends. Many simply lack the business acumen to make it successful.

As a result, the lure of fast money in the sex industry becomes increasingly appealing. Often, a woman is introduced to bar work in a tourist area by someone from her village, an extended family member, or a recruiter. From here, the descent into the underbelly of society can be rapid.

Once the parents experience the benefits of the newfound monthly income, the daughter feels compelled to maintain it and even earn more to elevate her status as a provider. Of course, this is not just about fulfilling parental expectations; it is also about providing a better life for her children.

Mental Health Problems: A Result of Financial Obligations

The financial pressure can cause serious strain on familial relationships, turning them into transactions solely about money and provision. The constant need to provide financially can erode the natural bonds of affection and support, leading to feelings of resentment and obligation.

Depression, anxiety, and even suicide—often as a result of debt—are everyday realities in Thailand. The intense pressure to support one's parents can push many women to the brink. Involvement in prostitution can exacerbate these issues, leading to alcohol and drug addiction, unwanted pregnancies, emotional regulation issues, and further psychological trauma.

When these women enter relationships, particularly with Westerners who do not fully understand the familial dynamics, the constant requests for money and seemingly loveless interactions can cause arguments and resentment between the couple and the woman's family. The Thai woman becomes torn between her loyalty to her husband and the moral code of her new family, and her parents' demands based on cultural obligations and guilt.

In Western cultures, parents usually prioritize their children's well-being over their own financial needs, sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice. In contrast, in Thailand, the expectation is reversed: parents expect financial support from their children, regardless of the child's age or circumstances. This cultural difference can tear Thai-foreign relationships apart.

The burden of supporting parents while trying to maintain personal relationships and emotional well-being can create a complex web of stress and pressure, leading to significant mental health challenges for many Thai women.

In Summary

The burden of supporting one's parents is a complex issue for Thai women, rooted in deep cultural expectations and compounded by harsh financial realities. The societal pressure to fulfill daughterly duties can lead to significant stress and emotional strain, as daughters navigate the demands placed upon them by tradition, family, and community.

For those with foreign partners, the expectations often shift but do not necessarily lessen, as the parents' views on wealth and support adjust with their daughter's perceived improved circumstances.

This ongoing cycle of obligation highlights the need for a broader understanding and potential reform in societal expectations and support systems for the elderly in Thailand. Until such changes occur, Thai women will continue to shoulder the heavy burden of a never-ending debt to their parents.

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  1. M R says

    So I've just had an experience. Met a girl in a 'special' massage parlour, and came back straight away after a week when we decided we missed each other.
    Before I left I had given her a large(ish) sum of money as she wanted to quit and this would cover what she made.
    I came back for a month. Just before I did I employed a detective agency to see if she had quit. They were not the best as they put undue pressure on her with larger sums of money that normal after she had refused several times. They got the evidence and we talked about it when I was here. It had only been a week.
    We talked about her coming to the UK and Europe, where I live, and started the visa process.
    She hates paperwork so I handled everything. She voluntarily gave me her id, passport, and bank details for the last 6 months. This proved very interesting. We had various discussions about her business over the first week or so, before things changed between us. The UK application had gone in and we were discussing the EU.
    When it was obvious things had gone really wrong I wanted my money back from her. Now usually this is not easy. However, if you have all the information I had it's worth doing some further investigation.
    I worked out that she was liable for nearly 2,000,000 THB in unpaid taxes and fees if the revenue found out about her undeclared income, put into the bank in cash, and never filing a tax return could be 1yr in jail for each un declared year.. And this had happened for 2 years, so no accident.
    Needless to say this would have wiped her out financially for a long time, which includes the classic, daughter with ex-husband in-laws and parents in NE province scraping a living from farming. As well as possibly jail. Probably meaning in 12 years her daughter would have been hustling too.
    I got my money back - minus generous expenses I allowed.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Hi M R,Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s clear that this has been emotionally complex and difficult for you both. That said, there are a few important points worth reflecting on, particularly around expectations, fairness and the power dynamics involved.1. Expectations in the BeginningMeeting someone in the context of sex work comes with important considerations. It’s not realistic — or fair — to expect that someone will immediately and permanently leave their livelihood, especially in a country where financial survival often depends on such work. In your case, the woman did, in fact, refuse multiple attempts by agents to lure her back, which seems to show real effort and intention on her part. It wasn’t until the offers were unusually high (and arguably manipulative) that she gave in. One might ask: was that a fair test, or an entrapment? Her initial loyalty appears to have been genuine, which says something positive about her character in very challenging circumstances.2. Gifting MoneyIf money was given to help her start fresh, that’s a generous gesture — but by definition, a gift isn’t a loan, and the expectation of repayment later changes the nature of that giving. To later use her personal information and financial vulnerability as leverage, especially under threat of reporting her to the authorities, risks crossing ethical lines. For many women in her position, this confirms their deep-seated distrust of foreign men — a pattern of help followed by control or coercion based on promises of a better life/financial help. Of course, such women also use their sexuality to manipulate men and get what they want.3. The Reality of the Starting PointYou met her while she was working in a brothel. That’s not a judgment — just an important context. Relationships can and do grow from unlikely beginnings, but expecting a seamless transition into trust, romance, and loyalty under pressure — especially with significant economic and cultural gaps at play — can be setting the stage for disappointment. It’s worth asking: were my expectations realistic, and was she truly given the space to make a free choice?There’s no doubt your intentions may have been sincere at the start, and it’s clear you went through emotional ups and downs during this process. But this situation also highlights how critical empathy, fairness, and mutual respect are — particularly when we step into the lives of others with very different lived experiences. I hope you can take something positive from the experience, and I’m sure others reading your story will find it thought-provoking too.All the best! TTL
      Reply

      • M R says

        Thanks for the comment. there were some notable differences with this girl.

        First she already had accumulated a lot of money through hard work, I can't deny her work ethic. Like for like she had just under the equivalent of what would be £1m in the UK.

        She always said she didn't need or want the money. She took it to make sure I'd come back. There were ethical lines crossed on both sides.

        I didn't actually threaten her with the authorities. When we were talking about business I mentioned to her the actual issues she may face and how I can help her, I have some forensic accounting experience working with the darker side of governments as well as running a business and acting as mentor for others. Admittedly I had planted the seed but there were no threats made and it wasn't mentioned again.

        The story follows many of the patterns in your original piece. But with exceptions. She never hid her phone, in fact she would leave it without passcode in a room with me whilst showering or it was charging.

        When I took her shopping she struggles with buying a top worth £25 rather than marching me and my credit card off to Prada - remember this girl had millions of thb in the bank. She knew the value of money, and used to chastise me for buying her friends coffee. We rented villas and she went to the market and cooked.

        When we went inland to visit her aunts I saw how real Thai people lived and understood the burden she was under, and the wastefulness of western society when there are so many people who live hand to mouth. Unfortunately most people stick to the tourist routes. She wasn't just supporting her mum and dad, but one of her aunts as well as her daughter at her ex mother in-laws.

        She was also generous with others who had less than her at her own sacrifice.

        The problem ultimately was she could not get her head around the fact there was someone who genuinely wanted to be nice to her, trusted her (despite everything) and wanted to help her. She had a deep distrust, almost fear, of all men, not just westerners, and struggled with her emotions.

        At several points she alluded to common issues of abuse by family members in the very poor rural farming communities. I don't know if this is widespread, but she feared for her own daughter growing up (currently nearly 8) in a house with two grown men, one her father and the other his sister's husband.

        She uses what she has to get money from men without feeling. It's her way of regaining power. I understand her.

        I told her I would give her 1m thb if she stopped work (she has a normal massage business she's just starting) so she could focus on the new project. But she declined and gave me the money back.

        But it's the power she exerts over men that she needs. The men think they are using her - it's completely the other way around.

        However much I don't understand, I do now understand this society more. It has changed my viewpoint on life, and although I have had my heart thoroughly crushed, aside from the anger, I will look on my time with her as being an honour. She'd never spent more than 3 days with anyone for 5 years and we had 6 days followed by 33 days, albeit very difficult at times. Other times she held my hand and all the worries in the world dissolved. That's all it took. But now I sit for the last night in the villa and try not to thin about it. I may be semi retired, but I'm not that old and not unrealistic. I've been around the world a few times, but really I should have known better and acted for both of us when I saw the first signs.
        Reply

        • TheThailandLife says

          It’s clear from what you’ve shared that she was navigating an incredibly complex life—balancing financial independence with deep-rooted familial responsibilities and the weight of societal expectations. You mentioned her deep distrust of men, and it’s understandable, especially considering what she may have experienced or witnessed growing up. The fact that she alluded to abuse within her family or community adds another heavy layer. Sadly, such issues do exist in some rural farming communities, and the fear she expressed for her own daughter speaks volumes about the trauma she may carry and the generational patterns she’s trying to break.Your generosity and desire to help—both emotionally and practically—may have felt unfamiliar to her, perhaps even uncomfortable. When someone is used to relying only on themselves or viewing others through a lens of caution and self-protection, accepting genuine support can feel like surrendering control or opening up to vulnerability, which can be frightening. As you noted, the power dynamics in your relationship were nuanced. She may have used control as a way to reclaim autonomy in a world where she felt it had been taken from her. Recognising this coping mechanism, rather than judging it, gives a lot of insight into how she viewed not just you, but all relationships.It’s also clear that you genuinely cared for her, tried to understand her, and wanted to build something meaningful. But relationships that bridge such dramatically different life experiences can be incredibly challenging. Emotional needs don’t always align, especially when there’s unspoken trauma, cultural gaps, or differing world views at play.I’m truly sorry for the heartache you’re experiencing. It’s brave to reflect so openly, especially when the emotions are still raw. That kind of reflection is where healing starts. And while it’s painful, it also sounds like you’ve walked away with deeper insight.
          Reply

  2. ms S says

    Am female and started supporting my male partner over 25 years ago. Put his daughter through university, 2 vacations paid for her and her husband with us every year. When COVID hit, we supported when husband couldn't work. My partner has of late been showing me signs of needing more because the daughter manipulates him and between them they handle whatever money they get their hands on. I believe they have done this for many years and I choose to look the other way because I had enough. Time has come now where I don't want to look the other way, but the daughter thinks she is in charge. Has recently displayed acts of rudeness towards me as if she is in charge and I have to put up with it. Thinking about leaving now and going home. They have accumulated enough and really mine is just icing on their cake that I baked for them. Be careful even after this many years.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly generous and supportive for many years, but now you’re facing a situation where your kindness is being taken for granted, or even exploited. That’s a difficult and painful realization, especially after so much time and investment.It’s completely understandable that you no longer want to look the other way. You’ve given a lot, and it’s only natural to expect respect and appreciation in return. If instead, you’re feeling manipulated, dismissed or even disrespected, it’s worth taking a step back and considering what’s truly best for you moving forward.Your instincts about leaving and going home suggest that deep down, you know you deserve better. If you feel like your contributions are no longer valued, and worse, that they are being used against you, it may be time to prioritize your own well-being. Walking away after 25 years is no small decision, but sometimes the hardest choices lead to the greatest freedom.Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace and clarity. Be kind to yourself; you’ve done more than enough.Wishing you strength.
      Reply

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